The Diary of Kelly the Tactician
by Fimbulvetr
Summary: An infantile tactician writes her diary in faux-valley girl ramblings, loosely following the events of Fire Emblem. Not recommended for readers over the age of 12. Please note last update date before leaving reviews.
1. Days 1 to 4

The Diary of Kelly the Tactician!

Day 1:

Kelly's Mood!: CUTE AND THOUGHTFUL

The Weather!: Like, I don't know. I'm busy being cute and thoughtful.  
Where Kelly's Army Is!: Um. Like, somewhere.

Todaaaaay, I led eeeveryone into veec-to-lee! And stuff. I can't remember all of it, but I know I did a totally awesome job and all! Then Kent complimented my hair. Teehee. But I totally know where he was coming from! My hair is like, gorgeous. I use Pantene! It's like… honey… and… chestnuts and… honey roasted peanuts… except, you know, curly, and.. gorgeous and… Did I mention I use Pantene?

Riiight. ANYWAY, I'm cooking tonight! Except, like, I can't cook. That's okay, though! I'll seduce Sain into doing it for me!

…except, like, he can't cook either.

New plan! I'll sit here by the fire—because it illuminates my face in the warm glow of the sparkly red and orange and sort of blue and a bit of white stuff and I look pretty. And cute. And thoughtful!

I like looking cute and thoughtful. It makes me feel special!

OHMIGOSH. DID YOU KNOW WHAT THAT LITTLE PANSY ELIWOOD CALLED ME TODAY? HE CALLED ME 'MARK.' LIKE, OHMIGOSH. KELLY IS SUCH A BETTER NAME THAN 'MARK!'

I hate Eliwood! He's smelly and weak and I don't like him!

Luv, Kelly. Mwuah, mwuah.

---

dAy TwO!!

Kelly's Mood!: NOT HAPPY!!!!

The Weather!: IT'S NICE, OKAY?  
Where Kelly's Army Is!: A stinky smelly boat.

We're like, on a BOAT. It's STINKY, and SMELLY and I DON'T LIKE IT! But I get to keep all the cute boys so I'm like, sort of… uh… happy-ish. Um. How do all the people fit on the boat anyway? You know, like, what with the piratey-crew-people and… me, and… kElLy's ArMy and all.

My brain huuurts. Eliwood was like, telling me to stop thinking because it hurt my brain. I think that's the smartest thing he's said all year!

…HEY. HE INSULTED ME! Um. I think. RIGHT. That's it! I'm making him die next time! I'm never going to let him go up another level! (Even though he's like, level 2 at the moment… but STILL! He'll never see past level… 2!)

Oh, and we found that Nini-girl. She thinks she's sooo cool! Just 'cause she's pretty and all. PFFSHT. I'm more gorgeous than her! I AM! I DON'T SEE WHAT HALF THE MEN IN THE ARMY SEES IN HER. HMMPH.

But, like, Erky complimented my hair today!

Kent already did that. PFFSHT. If he wants my love, then he'll have to try harder!

XOXO, kElLy!

P.S: Eliwood is like, crying. He's such a pansy! Haha!

---

Day 3

Kelly's Mood!: Sulky.

The Weather!: Foggyish.  
Where Kelly's Army Is!: Smelly island. Kent says it's Valor. Pffsht. That's a silly name. I'd call it Happy Pony Land.

Today, we got off the Stinky Smelly Boat. And we got this new pirate guy! He's like, called Arrows or something. I don't care. He's not gorgeous. Um. Hello. Why are we getting someone who's not gorgeous?

And he's SMELLY, too.

Right! And then we met this totally BORING GIRL called Fiora. She's so boring! And not pretty, like me! And her sister is BORING too. She's so shy! AND WEAK. I'm never using her again. OR ANY PEGASUS KNIGHT! They're all so stupid and running after arrows and stuff!

I'm supposed to get this totally cute wyvern rider called Heath later according to this 'gide' book thing I've been reading. I don't like, understand it much. But that's okay! I'm pretty! Pretty, and witty and gaaay.

Which reminds me! I'm a lesbian now. I mean, Kent went off with Fiora (I hate her!) and Erk's like, not making any more advances and every other cute guy is IGNORING me! So now I'm a lesbian.

HMMPH.

Kelly (the lesbian)

---

Day 4!!!!!

Kelly's Mood!: I'm not a lesbian!

The Weather!: Sunny!  
Where Kelly's Army Is!: Pony Gate. Or something.

I'm not a lesbian anymore! We got this HOTT thief called Legolas. Or something. I wasn't like, paying much attention. But Legolas is a cool name. Well, it is to me because it's the same one as that HOTT elf from Lord of the Rings!

OMG ORLANDO BLOOM. He's so HOTT. Um… right! TODAY, I DISCOVERED THAT I'M NOT A LESBIAN, AND WE GOT A HOTT THIEF CALLED LEGOLAS. There we go!

I'm so benching Matthew now! Maybe I'll let him stay if he gives me his cape. I love that cape. It's so red. And capey. Capes are so sexy.

What was I talking about? Oh, right. So, we're at Pony's Gate. Well, it's 'Dragon's Gate', actually, but I like ponies more than dragons, so it's PONY'S GATE. I love ponies! They're so cute! But I don't have a pony and like, everyone else does! How is that fair? I'm the gorgeous, smart one that makes them do things! They just like, fight and risk their lives and stuff like that. Hmmph.

I want a pony!

Luv, Kelly.


	2. Days 5 to 9

Day 5

Kelly's Mood!: Not happy.

The Weather!: Dark and scary and I DON'T LIKE IT.

Where Kelly's Army Is!: Somewhere where it's dark and scary and I DON'T LIKE IT.

Okay. Okay. Kelly, CALM DOWN. First of all, it's dark and scary. Second of all, I DON'T LIKE IT. I think that answers all of your questions, then. OKAY.

I'm like, writing in the middle of the battle because there is LIGHT here and I'm SCARED. And nobody stayed behind to protect me because APPEARANTLY, I don't exist! How rude! So, I'm sitting in Merlinus' tent and he's gone off to hide because he's old and stinky and stupid and not a gentleman at ALL.

Not like I'd reduce myself to trying with HIM, that is! OHEMGEE. He's old, and ugly, and stinky and stupid and NOT A GENTLEMAN.

Okay. I just took a look outside. Kelly's Army looks pretty angry at Kelly. OHMYGOSH. Do they expect me to instruct them when it's DARK AND SCARY? They're all rude and old and stinky and smelly and not gentlemen at all.

SO. THERE.

(Oh, and that Nini-girl is DANCING for everyone now. What an attention-seeking whore!)

HMMMPH. Kelly.

---

Day 7

Kelly's Mood!: OMFG CUTE BOY!!1

The Weather!: Sunny.

Where Kelly's Army Is!: Some fortressy place between Thria and Ostia.

OMG. Remember that cute wyvern rider I said we were getting a few days ago? Well, WE GOT HIM. And Rath.

But I don't care about Rath because his horse is smelly and he wears that ugly bandanna. Doesn't he know they're so out of fashion? I think I'll have a talk with him about that bandanna. NOBODY IN KELLY'S ARMY WILL BE UNFASHIONABLE, DAMMIT. COME HELL OR HIGH WATER I. WILL. MAKE. HIM. FASHIONABLE.

Ahem. Yes.

Anyway. Legolas is staring at Heath creepily. I do not approve! I SAW HIM FIRST!! HMMMPH!! BACK OFF, PURPLEHEAD.

Oh, right. I should talk about what a great job I did instructing this battle! Only two people died this time! And I'm so bringing Isadora to aaaalll the battles because she's pretty, like me! Except I'm still prettier, so that's okay!

We had to protect that Nulsis kid this battle. He's so dull. Like his sister. Stupid dancing whore on legs. Um. That is, if whores don't usually have legs…

Anyway… OMG CUTE BOY.

Kelly!!

---

Day 8.

Kelly's Mood!: I HAVE SAND. IN. MY. HAIR.

The Weather!: TOO HOT.

Where Kelly's Army Is!: IN A SMELLY STUPID DESERT.

THERE IS SAND IN MY HAIR. WHY IS THERE SAND. IN. MY. HAIR!? Grr! That stupid old ugly smelly man with the beard told us to come here. WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? JUST BECAUSE HE'S OLD AND SMELLY AND HAS THAT BIG DUMB STICK HE THINKS HE CAN BOSS US AROUND!

HMMPH. I AM SO ANGRY, THAT I'M NOT GOING TO INSTRUCT ANYONE TO DO ANYTHING! IN FACT, I'M GOING TO CHUCK THIS DIARY RIGHT OVER… THERE AFTER I FINISH WRITING THIS.

_I have the sneaking suspicion Kelly is trying to kill me._

_-- Eliwood._

_I have the sneaking suspicion Kelly doesn't know what suspicion means._

_-- Fiora._

_I am keeping my cape, come hell or high water._

_-- Matthew._

_My name is not Legolas._

_-- Legault._

…_come to think of it, he IS looking at me funny._

_-- Heath._

_Lies. Untruths, I say._

_-- Legault._

_Kelly's hearing is impaired. I told her she had an ant on her head._

_-- Erk._

OHEMGEE. THEY THINK THEY CAN VIOLATE MY DIARY LIKE THIS AFTER I TOSSED IT CARELESSLY AWAY, DO THEY? WELL… WELL… I'LL SHOW THEM! THAT'S IT, I'M MAKING THEM DO EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I WAS PLANNING. HAH. BYEBYE, ARMY!

KELLY.

---

Day 9!!!!!!!!!!!!1111

Kelly's Mood!: WHAT!?

The Weather!: I DON'T CARE.

Where Kelly's Army Is!: WHY AREN'T THEY DEAD?!

THEY'RE. STILL. ALIVE.

I am so mad. This is not possible. WHY ARE THEY NOT DEAD.

I'm so mad I'm going to wash my hair with Pantene. AGAIN, to make it SHINIER so Fiora gets even MORE jealous of my gorgeous long locks of perfect brown-golden hair that falls in a cascade to my hip much like an elegant waterfall.

My hair is so nice!

I'd so marry myself if I could!

Actually, I should ask that Pants guy if I can marry myself. He looks all… smart-ish and all. Maybe that's just his hair. His hair is very nice for a guy named after trousers. It's all nice and sleek and silvery. I wonder if my gorgeous hair would be… gorgeouser if I had silver hair.

Wait, no. Then they'd be all… 'you're ripping off Pants!'

And that would be bad.

Teehee. I made a funny.

Kelly!


	3. Days 10 to 15

Day 10

Kelly's Current Emotions: Sinking beneath a curtain of woe as the razor sharp blade of the plastic fork slides across my wrists of inevitable death.

The Weather: It is frightful, but the fire is very delightful as it flickers with its blue flames of white passionate fury, and the sparks remind me of my shining toothbrush of eternal misery.

Where Kelly's Army Is: A desolate place void of bananas and fruitful delights as my scars light up with the joy of being delivered.

I'm emo now. See?

Well, I totally don't know where we're going, but, whatever. It's scary and dark and my face is like a bug as it is squashed beneath the mighty fork's steel boots of justice, mercy and doom, doom, and more eternal, unavoidable doom.

Haha. I'm so emo.

Well, misery and death and stuff to you, dear diary,

Kelly.

PS: Avril Lavigne rocks! Oh and I'm not allowed to say stuff anymore. It's got to be 'such' now because it sounds more emo. And such.

day 12!

Kelly's Mood: Fogged up.

The Weather: It makes my contacts fog up.

Where Kelly's Army Is: Stupid foggy place.

Emo's so out of style now. So, I'm back to being hot, gorgeous and totally awesome Kelly the Best Tactician in all of Elibe and the universe, and stuff.

Well, right now we're in some lame foggy place where it's totally foggy. I lost the robber-guy somewhere, but Legolas is still here, so that's okay. I think.

I've got all the torches 'cause I need to write in my diary and stuff. Stupid army people don't look happy about that. Whatever. I'm the tactician, and I rule and stuff.

Big clunky tin-can man joined us. What was his name? Waldo? Pfft. Like I care.

He's bald. And my mirror broke.

Hm…

Kelly.

Day 13

Kelly's Mood: AAAHHHH!

The Weather: ….AHHHHHHH!

Where Kelly's Army Is: OH MY GOD. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.

The lady's trying to poke meeee! Make her go _away_ Bad hair style! Bad! It's awful! Her hair would be nice if she left it longer, but it's all CHOPPY and—OH my GOD!

Smelly said it'll take 11 hours for us to get out of here! I can't wait that long! She's trying to _poke_ me!

…I really like Lisa's hair, though. It's like spun gold!

AND SHE'S TRYING TO STAB ME!

MAYBE IF I GIVE HER MY DIARY SHE'LL LET ME GO.

…OR MAYBE NOT.

KeLlY.

Day 15

Kelly's Mood: I'M COLD.

The Weather: IS COLD.

Where Kelly's Army Is: A VERY COLD PLACE.

I wish I had those spiffy earmuffs I bought last winter, because ARGH IT'S SO COOLLD.

None of the men are gentlemanly enough to offer their freezing, gorgeous tactician their cloak so I yanked Matthew's off of him and went off to sit in a corner.

I think the reason is that I'd be a totally hot winter goddess, you know? I have these gorgeous eyes. They're like sapphires. At least I think they are. No one told me if they were. But I'm always right, so they're like sapphires.

It's so _cold_, and the stupid flute-guy won't shut up about how it's snowing. UM, HELLO, I KNOW IT'S SNOWING. SHUT UP AND STOP BEING UGLY!

Grr.

Kelly!


	4. Days 17 to 20

NIGHT 17 (its not even day yet gragh ARGH)

Kelly's Mood: Grargh.

The Weather: It's dark.

Where Kelly's Army Is: Castle. Ugly dark castle.

Grrrargh. Eliwood and Linda and Henry woke me up. It's like, 4 am and I totally need my beauty sleep and stuff! I can't do this! I can't find my hair brush and I didn't get time to apply my eyeliner and I look AWFUL AND I CAN'T PICK UP CUTE GUYS LIKE THIS, AND THIS IS DREADFUL AND I DON'T WANT TO BE IN SMELLY CASTLE WHERE IT IS DARK AND NOT EVEN DAWN YET BECAUSE THAT IS STUPID AND NO.

And horsey-woman keeps trying to zap me! As if my hair isn't bad enough! First the ugly stabby woman and now stupid horse-lover's trying to whack me!

There's this big guy who's wearing PURPLE and it's so ugly and he shouldn't wear that colour armour unless he's stupid and named Marcus and really, really old and HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.

I WANT COFFEE.

Luv, Kelly.

MORNING 17

Kelly's Mood: Yay!

The Weather: Um. I don't know. Purple?

Where Kelly's Army Is: Water Temple.

Okay, so we're in the water temple now. Ugh, my cape's getting wet. Okay, fine. It's not my cape, it's Matthew's. I'm just sort of hoping he hasn't noticed.

Well, he probably has.

Oh, who cares?

We got Jaffar! He's like, totally cooler than the guy in Aladdin! Like, for one, he doesn't have a stupid goatee! He gets points for that too!

But that ugly greenhead girl Nina's like, the apple of his wood or something.

I think we're trying to kill her mother, or something. Pfffsht. They all talk too much. It's not like it's important or anything, Lord… uh… Nergal's just a big smelly pooha and Sonic's got really ugly hair.

I really like her dress, though.

Maybe I could ask to borrow it, or something.

Kelly!

Day 17

Kelly's Mood: It's STUCK.

The Weather: It's STUCK.

Where Kelly's Army Is: Somewhere in the middle of the road and it's STUCK.

Well, great. I got my foot stuck in a tree. No, it's not funny.

NO, IT'S NOT FUNNY.

We're like, on the road, and I get bored and kick a tree and MY FOOT GETS STUCK AND I CAN'T GET IT OUT AND EVERYONE'S LAUGHING AT ME. Especially that stupid Fiora! I knew she hated me! I'm going to kill her!

Well, okay, I'm going to kill her after I get my foot out of the tree.

And Smelly won't stop giggling. It's so not masculine, and it's SO NOT FUNNY.

Hmmmph.

Will get revenge! Especially on the squirrels! They're laughing at me, too!

Kelly, who is not Mark, who is better than Fiora, and is also way cooler than Smelly.

Day 19

Kelly's Mood: Oh whatever.

The Weather: Foggy. As usual.

Where Kelly's Army Is: Foggy place in Bern. Again.

Well, pointy crazy lady's joined us. Not happy about that. Vivian, I think her name was. Pffsht. Such a lame name! If I was her, I'd call herself Vaida or something cool like that.

Okay, so it's foggy. Linda just keeps going the foggy way just because she thinks she's SO COOL just 'cause she has green hair. OH YEAH? Well my hair's totally better! And I look better from every single angle AND I'm a talented writer.

LALALA FINGERS IN EARS CAN'T HEAR YOU. AM BETTER. BETTER BETTER BETTER.

I wish Menthos was Santa. He'd be more fun and give me presents and a pony.

But _no-o_, he likes Eliwood better than me. Which is you know, kinda creepy. He's like, fifty billion years old. He's even older than Santa!

E-ew. Play-doh-fillia! Or… you know… uh… something…

Right, whatever.

So he gives Eliwood a horse, and NOT ME.

LiFe Is UnFaIr!

KeLlY

Day 20

Kelly's Mood: GAH.

The Weather: I think it's okay. I don't care.

Where Kelly's Army Is: Well, I DON'T KNOW. NOBODY'S TOLD ME YET.

Eliwood, Linda and Henry ran off to some cave and I had to follow them because I'm the sexy, gorgeous loyal tactician. And it's hot. And it's stuffy, and I hate it and people keep trying to POKE me, and they obviously haven't cut their fingernails in a long time!

AND THEN this scary, but totally hot blue haired guy started talking to Smelly and it was SO WEIRD and then we left and this big dragon came and so did Lo—NERGAL and then Smelly killed the dragon with his shiny shiny sword and then it turns out it was that stupid dancer and THEN HE CRIES LIKE A LITTLE GIRL and I'm like, "Ahaha!" 'cause it's just that funny and…

Oh, wait.

Um, yeah. Mourning and stuff.

Hi Eliwood! I love you! You're my favourite person! Poor Nini-girl!

Um, Kelly the Tactician.


	5. Days 21 to 26

Day 21

Kelly's Mood: Totally not confused. Because Kelly doesn't get confused.

The Weather: ... maybe I've been partly cloudy! Maybe I'm the chance of rain!

Where Kelly's Army Is: … Um. Not available. At this, like, present … intervention of … um, time.

I think we're, like, still supposed to be mourning. Or something. I don't know. I'm all confused—I mean. Not confused at all, because I'm KeLly ThE TaCtiCiAn and I know, like, _everything_. Shut up. _Shut up!_

Stupid _birds_ think they're so smart because they're all, like, _tweet tweet tweet_ and _flapflapflap_ and _bzz bzz bzz_ andthey can _fly_. Well, I can touch the sky without wings because I'm just that heavenly, and angelic. And heavenly. And. And… stuff.

Stuff's never failed me before. So there.

(HINT HINT TO KELLY'S ARMY. GRR. HISS. POTATOES, POTATOES.)

Kelly

* * *

Day 23 

Kelly's Mood: "WARGH"

The Weather: WELL I CAN'T SEE FROM IN HERE CAN I HUH HUH HUH?

Where Kelly's Army Is: Ostia. Stupid _smelly_ Ostia.

Well this is stupid isn't it, because Henry's thingie, thing, thing, I can't remember that part. And then Menthos told us some stupid story about … about … like, you know, what do you call those, um, things. Shiny lizards. With, like, wings. Except not like little bird wings. (BIRDS ARE STUPID.) … Well _I_ don't know. I wasn't listening. Because I don't _have_ to. Because I'm the tactician, and I don't have to listen, because I get _told_, or I, like, _would_ if some people would, like, TELL ME!

So anywho, we're under attack. And nobody is protecting me. Like, nobody ever protects me. They just look at me funny. YES, EXACTLY, LIKE THAT, SMELLY, THANK YOU. Hahaha, you suck, you just got suckersmac—

WHY DID YOU JUST GET SUCKERSMACKED?

So, like, anyway, _whatever_. I'm just going to sit on the shiny chair-thing. Throne. Throne! Because I'm beauteous and wonderfuleous and you know, whatever, and angelic. Like a queen. I am Queen Kelly!

Queen Kelly of the sparkly, purple—

THAT IS NO WAY TO TREAT A QUEEN. OW. OW? OW. And you do not laugh at your queen, because I said so. I _said_ so! All of you _suck_ so you should _die_ because all of you _suck suck suck suckers suck suckity mcSUCK._ Suckity.

Now I'm going to make them bring me shinies. Because my shiny senses are all, tingly. And spicy. And also sense-y.

And they better make it snappy, and—

Oh my god what is with that guy with the like, hood, and the eyes, and the bad hair, and the. Ew. Ew. Kill it.

Kill iiiiiiit.

…

Okay. Well. Now I'm _bored_ because they're all talking again. Yap yap yap. Not like they ever say anything _important_ like stuff about shoes. They _never_ talk about shoes. WHAT IS WITH THAT. kElLy'S aRmY should stop being so … like, not talking about shoes… like.

Menthos keeps talking. Make it stop. It's not even fresh. Isn't he supposed to be like, the fresh-maker? … Or was that oreos? I'm all confused—except I'm not, because I'm all knowing, and everyone ELSE is confused. HAH!

Smelly says we have to go to Badoom or something. Whateeeever.

-- Kelly the Allknowing.

* * *

Day 24 

Kelly's Mood: It's that, you know, floaty feeling. When you feel all … all… floaty. And fluttery! (I think they call it, um. I don't know. Like. It starts with 'h.' I think. WHAATEVER.)

The Weather: TWENTY FIVE POINT TWO ONE. Point six. Negative two. Uhm. Sunny!

Where Kelly's Army Is: Still Ostia.

This is almost like my true calling, because this is totally what I was made for. Because this is … my destiny… my …

… um …

… life's… purple.

Pur-something.

Whatever!

Anyway. This is my Tru Calling. Shopping. Is there nothing more heavenly and beautiful and simply wonderful and … wonderful, and shiny, and gorgeous, and wonderful, and heavenly? It's like, the fruits of the angels, except you can't eat shopping, that's silly.

Unless you're grocery shopping. Oh my god, laaaame.

So we're shopping! This is totally awesome, and wonderful. And I love it. Because we're shopping, and I was born to shop! And –

Matthew just informercialed me that we're not clothes shopping.

_What is the meaning of this?_

-- A very discongruntled Kelly the Tactician.

* * *

Day 26 

Kelly's Mood: Ick. Gross. Ew. Stop. Go away. No.

The Weather: I don't know it's probably stupid so there.

Where Kelly's Army Is: Valor.

So we were on that stupid smelly, gross-like ship for like a day, right? And right after we have to FIGHT AGAIN. And DO you know how unfair that is to me? So unfair. I have to use my full effort and be at my utmost level of beautiful to be able to tactician properly! But do they ever let me tactician properly? Noooo. I tell them to go right and they go left! I tell them to split up and they stick together! It's like a conspiracy. To not die.

Stupid Lor—NERGAL is making us do all these dumb things, like fight. WHY can't the world be at PEACE and we can be ONE with the WORLD and PEACE and…

… oh gross it's an old guy why do we have an old guy?

And someone should totally shove that flute down Nilmus's throat, I mean, he's trying to drown out my angelic singing. Why is he trying to do that?

I hates him. Haaates.

HAAAAATES.

In fact! In fact I'll go sacrifice him to L—NERGAL right now! Because I HATES him and I _can_ and—

Gross gross gross these people are like, all the same and that's not fashionable, I mean why can't they be all gorgeous and all the same? A little lack of individuality combined with fashionableity goes a loooooooong way, you know. Uuuugh.

So.

So like.

Walking. Walking. Walking.

Why do Florina and whatever and whatever and whatever get to FLY and I just get to WALK like a commoner? And what's with Smelly's stupid pony? Why doesn't anyone give me a pony? Stupid Smelly gets everything he wants. Except his stupid daddy and his stupid girlfriend and his stupid stupid. Stupid.

Stupid.

Oh look. They have a queen of ugly.

PURGE HER WITH LIGHT—

I said purge her with LIGHT not STAB her do you people listen to me at all do you do you do you?

… well _fine_, so she's _dead_, but she would have been dead _awesomer_ if they did it my way. So there.

-- Kelly


End file.
